okay so this morning... I had the most disturbing dream. It was disturbing and scary and as much as I wanted to wake up and end it... I didn't because I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to stay there even though I was scared. I could feel my heart beating like it was a real event. I could hear everything, I could see...
It was dark. I had managed to end up in the hospital, not as a patient, but as a visitor. When I walked in I had no idea what I was doing there. There was a room, the morgue. I hung around outside. My friends were there and I was talking to them about trivial things that I don't even remember. Then I saw a woman, a nurse, inside the room. A man walked up to the doorway, spoke to her, and she let him in. I wanted to go in there, but I didn't know why. I didn't know I was there to see someone until I got to the doorway. I walked up to the woman very cautiously and asked her if she could help me. I was looking for a friend. An old boyfriend. Someone who had died.
His name was Chuck.
She led me over to an aera. It was still dark and there was a white sheet pulled around a table. I came closer to the opening of the curtain, fully aware that I was about to see a dead body. Not just any dead body, but the body of a guy that whom I loved. I walked slowly into the closed off area and looked upon his body. That's when the most disturbing thing happend. He rolled his head around to stare at me. He smiled that goofy smile of his and said hey! I ran out of the area backwards and into the woman's arms terrified. He was dead, I had been there at the funeral. He had been burried, but there he was alive on the table.
I asked her to come back with me, so that I could show her that he was still alive. I held her arm, and I took her over to where I had been standing just inside the curtain. The old man was standing just outside. The nurse looked at the body. I looked at the body. It was the body of a soldier who had been dead for over a year, even starting to show signs of decay. She held me and rubbed my hair. She told me that he was gone and that he had been for a long time. But I swore to her that I had seen him stare at me. She rocked me for awhile and then we walked out of the curtain. She left me. The old man looked at me and smiled. Then before he turned to walk down the dark hall that sometimes the dead come back to us.
I went back into the curtain. Scared. I walked in slowly expecting to see him alive as I did before. Sure enough, that's how I found him. He was sitting up now, his back rested against the wall. Smiling. We talked. Of what particular topics I cannot remember, but I was in there awhile. I remember looking his body over. Just a sheet draped over his middle. His legs and arms and chest... all of them showed dying flesh. He was dead. I knew he was. But then why...
I told him that I loved him. This I remember for sure. He told me that he had always loved me, but then reminded me that he had been gone for quite sometime now. He told me that I needed to move on. To be happy. To finally have what I want and need. He told me that I deserved to find someone who could take care of me, and to do something great with my life. Then I turned around and noticed it was getting late. I told him I had to go. We said goodbye and I went back out of the morgue area.
I went out to my friends. I looked at the old man as he sat in a chair in the lobby reading a newspaper. I sat in the hallway, apart from everyone else trying to make sense of things.
Then I woke up. Two minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. I lied in bed and stared at the wall. I was scared. I was disturbed. What had I been thinking about that would make me dream about something so horrible, so vivid? What if it was really something else? My alarm went off. It startled me. As I moved to shut it off, I felt heavy. I didn't want to move all day. I wanted to stay in my bed and just go back to sleep. To perhaps dream of something more happy, more peaceful. Then I realized, as scared as I was, I also felt relieved. I felt like I could finally have closure on the whole matter of Chuck's death. For over a year now it has been something I struggled with because I didn't know how to just let him go. I didn't get to see him when he was back. I didn't get to tell him one last time how I felt about him. I didn't get to even talk to him in those last two weeks of his life. I had felt guilty, of what I don't know, but I did.
I got up to get dressed and in doing so I felt ....something. I don't even know how to describe the feeling. I felt it all day. All day long I have been more or less detached from everyone, constantly replaying my dream in my head. What am I looking for? What do I think it means?
Now I'm not overly religious, and in fact I was actually mad at God for a long time. I knew that he was supposed to ease the pain I felt, but I didn't feel like it was ever happening. I doubted His existance.... I was lost and confused. Was everything that I had grown up with all just stories and fantasy? What exactly is out there? I tried asking questions but everything boils down to faith. You have to have faith that God exists. There isn't really any proof. You could read the Bible a thousand times and what exactly do you find there? Stories. History perhaps. But is there really any proof... any hard evidence that God is sitting up there looking down on me? I didn't feel like there was.
And then this dream happened. Ever since Chuck died I had asked God to help me be strong enough to get through this. I had asked him to help ease the pain that I had felt. I had asked him to send me something. Anything. And when I woke up... the first thought I had, besides being scared to death, was... was that what I was waiting for? Did He send me this? And the only reason I thought this way was because of the comfort that I had felt afterwards.
Right now I'm just confused, and there isn't really anyone that I can sit down and talk to with about this. I'm not looking for feedback, I'm not looking for any of your answers. I'm trying to figure all this out on my own. Which is probably why I'm babbling around on here. For some reason I feel like this helps me sort out thoughts. If I write it down (or in this case type it out) maybe I'll be able to see something that I'm not seeing when I'm just thinking.
I don't even care if any of you (the few that actually read this) read it and think I'm crazy... I don't think I am. I think that perhaps I might have gotten something that I asked for... maybe there's some scientific reasoning behind it all. That subconsciously I was thinking about it and that I wanted him to come back and tell me everything was going to be okay.. that I invented this dream on my own free will. But right now I don't believe that.
Anyway... that's what I'm feeling right now, and that's how I'll probably feel for a couple of days... until I can clear my head anyway and then I'll be back to normal ...whatever normal is ...
I used to think that "normal Jen" was sad all the time, and boring, and annoying, and anything negative that you can think of...
but lately, I think "normal Jen" has become someone who is happier, someone who can see things from both sides, someone who forgives and is patiently waiting for the big things in her life... granted she'd like these things to speed up, but maybe they aren't supposed to be happening right now...
and I think that the "new" Jen has a friend to thank for that. He was there to test my reactions, he was there to listen to my problems, he was there to be a friend. He is still there. Without him I couldn't evaluate myself. I probably wouldn't see that I had over reacted to something so little. I guess you could say he brought my back down from wherever I was floating around. For that I want to say thanks... even though he probably doesn't feel like or realize that he did any of this. I should want my friends to be happy, not miserable. I should be happy, not miserable. There really is no bad side to things once you think about them. Something good will come out. It has to. And if there ever comes a time when I am not able to tell you, I want to say it now. I love you, and I appreciate the friendship you give me. I don't know where I would be without you. Someday I will be able to give back everything you deserve, everything I never gave you...
Jen
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